25 Things We Learned from Super Bowl XLIX

It’s always good practice to reflect on our experiences and the life lessons learned from them; the 49th Super Bowl is certainly no exception (at least, I think that’s what number it was – any Roman numeral above X confuses the hell outta this English major).

1. The National Anthem sounds really, really good when sung by someone with Talent. Idina Menzel was f*cking awesome, although I wasn’t really sure the time signature she was going with during that song. But she was on pitch. She was singing live. And she was dressed. #YouStayClassyArizona

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2. Even though it is no longer the 80s, neon colors will never go out of fashion. #AllTheNeonThings

3.  Because people who might not normally watch sports might watch the Super Bowl game, we have to explain football through bad sports analogies or statements of the bloody obvious. I was throughly confused by a comparison of the SB game to basketball (maybe it’s because teams in both sports want to win?). “Well, what the defensive really wants to do here is keep the other team from scoring, Bob.” “Thanks, Jim. Both teams are really under pressure here. The Super Bowl is like the Olympics of football.” #EducateTheMasses

4. We learned which demographics drive which vehicles: bad dads drive Nissan, good dads drive Toyota, single guys drive Chevy trucks, old people drive Dodge, real ‘Mericans drive Jeeps, animals drive Mercedes, and the millennial bourgeoisie drive Lexus’s that are environmentally conscious.

5. Prosthetics are cool. Especially ones powered by Windows. Hope Billy doesn’t need to reboot his legs in the middle of Little League. #CtrlAltDelete

6. Viagra really works…on anything. (Sidenote: Please call your local Fiat dealer if your car’s enlargement lasts more than 4 hours. Thank you.)

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7. If I become an English teacher, I’m totally saving this commercial as the definition of Plot Twist: The Nationwide Dead Kids commercial. The Nissan commercial with the dad who wasn’t there for his son because he’s too busy being a NASCAR driver clued us in by playing “Cat’s in the Cradle” song, which even if you don’t know that song, it’s got this melancholy folksy sound letting you know this is a sad commercial. Nationwide did not give us that courtesy. It looked like this commercial was about a kid’s dreams or wanting to grow up with his dog or maybe a world changing idea, but NO, he doesn’t get to do any of that because he’s DEAD. After stealing the plot twist to “Sixth Sense”, we were all left sitting there with our mouths open. We were playing a drinking game and couldn’t help but wonder if this commercial constituted a shot.  Serious topics also deserve hashtags #makesafehappen #Nationwideisonyourside

8. Budweiser let us know that its beer is “not to be debated” and “not to be fussed over”, which leads us to conclude that Bud is 1. Not for people who care how their beer is made, 2. Not for people who care how their beer tastes, and 3. Off limits to people with hipster moustaches and/or who wear flannel; but if you accept a Bud Lite Shit Beer, you could have a chance at some old school fun, and a live action PacMan game is something NO hipster can resist. So there is a time and place for Bud – when it’s free.

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9. We have been so brainwashed by repetitive, cookie-cutter pop music that Some People Don’t Know Who Missy Elliott Is. Click to read the terrific Buzzfeed article discussing how people Tweeted that Katy Perry was helping this Missy Elliott chick hit it big time and Googled “Who is Missy Elliott?” while those of us in the know were like “And because God is Good: Missy Elliott came on stage. Hastag Blessed. Hastag Truly Blessed. Hashtag Never Forget.” Missy Elliott edumacated Katy on how to f*cking rock it live with awesome vocals, kick ass dance moves, and #swagger. Note the lack of costume changes and special effects. That’s what happens when you got Talent.

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Katy Perry does have a couple of nice assets that I don’t – Dancing Sharks!

10. Liam Neeson has a very special set of Clash of Clan Skills and he will come after you, so better change your screen name. Also, my brother in law Liam appreciated that The Other Liam has problems with people pronouncing his name too.

11. Walter White could make a comeback in Breaking Bad 2: The Pharmaceutical Years. #SayMyName

12. Avocados are cool. I guess. #WTF

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13. Pepsi and Doritos were too afraid to air any commercials after the Nationwide Dead Kids commercial because people might now be associating every product with death. “Doritos: do NOT attempt these stunts of chucking chips about and catching them in your mouth. Choking is real.” “Pepsi: please consume responsibly because child obesity kills.”

14. When Famous People tell us to do it, we should.

15. #yourcompanyneedsahashtag #rightnow #butmakeitsafe

16. I’m SO glad Katy Perry performed at half time helping me make one of the most IMPORTANT decisions of my life: what I want to be for Halloween. I’m going to be a freakin’ Katy Perry dancing shark. The Left Shark to be precise. Because like Left Shark, I too lack proper coordination. #SharkSkillz

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17. Wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie and look like an Angel. Wait. What’s that in fine print at the bottom of the screen? Photoshop sold separately? Awww, fudge.

18. Snickers is for middle-aged people and up because if certain viewers don’t know who Missy Elliott is, they sure as hell haven’t got a clue who Marsha Brady is (maybe she’s, like, Kim Kardashian’s adopted sister).

19. There is a really awesome but ridiculously sad version of “500 Miles” by Sleeping At Last. Between that song, lost puppies, and making fun of craft beer, we can’t watch Bud commercials without crying anymore.

20. The Arnold will always be back #TerminatorGenisys #SpellingIsOptionalWhenSavingTheWorld

Come at Me Bro Shark

21. Dinosaurs are cool. Chris Pratt is cool. Put them together and you can’t deny the mass appeal of the Jurassic Park reboot. OMG. The ten-year-old inside me was practically wetting my pants with excitement watching this trailer, which is more than I can say for the “50 Shades of Grey” trailer. (And for parents who get their knickers in a knot that “Harry Potter” books have magic in them, note that “50 Shades” was fanfic inspired by “Twilight.” That’s right, are you supporting a book that inspired one of the most widely-read pornographic novels in history? #DontBanBooks #EducateTheMasses)

23. Apparently when you go to McDonald’s you now not only have a chance at a heart attack, but a shot at “paying with lovin’ ” to get your whole meal free. Call your mom and tell her you love her? Nothing says I Love You Too, Sweetie, like helping your child get free chemically-enhanced food (good thing this aired BEFORE the Nationwide Dead Kids commercial). #SupersizeMeButMakeItSafe

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24. If you spill Coca-Cola on a server, you can change binary code and make the world a #betterplace. Does this mean if I spill Mountain Dew on my keyboard it will magically make my blog funny? Did I take all those IT dev classes for nothing?

25. If you are HALF A YARD from the goal line, jump into a Mercedes and gun it. Hey, it worked for the tortoise. We all knew he was cheating in that parable, we just thought it was doping. #TheMoreYouKnow

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